Eat The Donuts 1st

Dear Members and Constituents,

The stage is set for a zombie apocalypse. Imagine, if you, will a climate change-induced mile-wide tornado creating devastation in its path. FEMA, strapped for cash and understaffed by the sequester fails to respond in a timely manner. Amid the debris and unbeknownst to most, hydraulic fracturing has released an ancient virus from the bowels of the Earth. A virus which attacks the neo-cortex of the brain, diminishing higher function and creating an insatiable appetite for fresh brains. Crazy, you say? Perhaps. Then again, some are taking this threat more seriously than others. In fact, just this week I was driving behind some folks who have a unique strategy to address this impending crisis. The vanity words “EATTHE” are etched on their “Kids 1^st” license plate. Clever. In-fact, the only hole I see in their plan is the assumption Zombies can take subtle hints. Then again, kids do have fresher brains, who knows, it might work.

Of course, if you are not of the zombie persuasion, boy does Carolyn Reuss have a treat for you. Four dozen fresh LaMar’s donuts. So come stock-up on your favorite treat, who knows when the next opportunity will present itself.

Happy Friday!

Donut Ransom

Dear Members and Constituents,

There is a new villain in the news whose name sounds oddly familiar. The man who held three women hostage in his basement for a decade sounds a lot like the man who has held Cuba hostage for five. I speak, of course, of Cleveland’s own Ariel Castro (although I’m sure the city would like to remove any association with this man). On my drive to work this morning I was trying to craft a poem comparing the two men. By the time I arrived at the office, I had decided against the idea as ill-contrived and altogether wrong. Why focus on these poor excuses for human beings when we could be talking about the goodness of donuts. Rich Law (donut boy) stopped by LaMar’s this morning and delights us with a delicious pastry sampling. So come on down and do your part to help liberate these donuts from the box they’ve been trapped in for who-knows-how-long. You’ll be glad you did.

Happy Friday!

A Donut RFC?

Dear Members and Constituents,

The Internet –the massive network connecting the world which has forever changed the way we live—is, obviously, built on standards. Not surprisingly, these standards, known as RFCs, govern everything from making a phone call using IP (RFC3261) to how IP addresses are allocated on a private network (RFC1918). What is surprising (to me at least) is the acronym RFC itself. It stands for “Request for Comment.” That’s like calling the rules your children are supposed to abide by “Optional Behavior” or traffic laws “How Are We Doing?” Still, the Internet works well enough. The other day a club member brought RFC1149 to my attention. The grin-inducing “A Standard for the Transmission of IP Datagrams on Avian Carriers” is a couple of pages long and goes to prove some geeks have too much time on their hands. My favorite quote “The carriers [pigeons] have an intrinsic collision avoidance system, which increases availability.” So, how does this apply to donuts? Well, when another colleague who left the company a couple of weeks ago inquired about franchising the donut club, it occurred to me someone might want to draft a new RFC for the “Transmission of Cheer and Goodwill in a Corporate Environment”. What do you think, worth the pixels on which it’s displayed? Perhaps. Then again, why bother with a dry standard when we have fresh donuts ready to be consumed, courtesy of Nanette Zeile (donut girl).

Happy Friday!

Good Morning Starshine

“The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers”. –Thomas Jefferson.

Dear Members and Constituents,

With all the senselessness and silliness going around, I’ve decided to forgo my regular dose of news programming this week. As a result, it appears I missed-out on the re-introduction of child labor to the workforce. How else do you explain the dozens of pint-sized workers wandering about the halls? It’s like a scene borrowed from the pages of Oliver Twist –sans the squalor and misery. It looks like the investment in child-sized urinals in the men’s room will finally pay-off! With all the extra productivity we should be gaining from our new workers, surely you can find some time to grab a donut. This morning’s selection comes courtesy of Rusty Corne (donut boy) and includes some specialty donuts which could cause folks to spontaneously assemble and sing food glorious food. So come over, bring your daughters or sons, and enjoy a sweet treat.

Happy Friday!

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Awesomeness

Dear Members and Constituents,

All due respect to Thomas Jefferson, I think the declaration of independence was slightly off-target when exemplifying the unalienable rights with which we are endowed. I’m speaking, of course, of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I see the first two as incontrovertible, but take issue with the third. Happiness is felt and should be savored in the moment. It permeates the being and often comes unannounced when least expected. It comes when you are with loved ones and it comes to those engaged in things they are passionate about. You see, happiness is a byproduct, not something to be pursued. You can pursue your dreams, fame, fortune and the betterment of humanity. You can pursue a passion. You can even pursue a mate. Any of these pursuits may bring you happiness, but pursuing happiness is an empty and futile exercise. I don't suppose you can amend the Declaration of Independence, after all we've been independent for quite a while, but if you could, I might propose the third sample right be replaced by the pursuit of awesomeness.

This morning, donut boy Ed Stocker exemplifies what can happen when you pursue awesome donuts. You get a splendid selection of sweet Krispy Kreams. How will you pursue Your inalienable right to awesomeness today? Not sure? Grab a donut and mull it over. I'm sure it will inspire something.

Happy Friday!

Donuholic

Dear Members and Constituents.

The other day I saw an Elkaholic bumper sticker on a pick-up truck. Clever, but how did the suffix “holic” come to be associated with addictions? While an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, a workaholic is not addicted to workahol, nor is a chocoholic addicted to chocohol. If I told you I was a horseholic you would intuitively understand my affinity for equines. What if I told you I sit across from a Tracy Holick? And then there’s donuts. Would you call a donut addict a donuholic? Perhaps not, as this might imply they are addicted to the donut holes. A donutic? I suppose it depends on their fervor. Whatever you choose to be called, Kelly Becker (donut girl) provides a selection worthy of the name. So come nurture your habit. You know you want it.

Happy Friday!

Chinese Donuts

Dear Members and Constituents,

As some of you know, I keep a record of these missives on my personal blog. Occasionally, I like to peruse the statistics and wonder about the readers. Where are they? How did they find it? Did they like what they read? Last month, I noticed a 50% spike. A little detective work revealed China was suddenly my largest audience. Wow! Could it be Youtiao fans looking for a rounder delicacy? Folks growing weary of North Korea’s shenanigans? Politicians boning-up on English in preparation for a visit from Australia’s prime minister? Avian flu side-effects? Whatever the case, Google decided this was too much fun and took my blog offline. I figured this could not possibly be censorship and decided to call them. If you’ve never had the need to get ahold of Google, be grateful. I’ll spare you the details, but after a gauntlet of dead-ends and a near-endless sequence of tasks, it’s live again.

Finding donuts, on the other hand, is much easier (thanks, in no small part, to donut boy John Schoder) –and you don’t even need to put-up with an attention-hungry, nuclear weapon-wielding neighbor. So come get yours before they run-out.

Happy Friday!