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Showing posts from 2023

Beer Run

Friends, Feeding your newborn granddaughter for the first time is like going for a run after having a beer. You clearly weren’t expecting to do it precisely at that time and quickly realize you may have overestimated your skills. It goes a lot slower than you anticipate. You have to burp several times throughout the process and are never quite sure whether another one is coming. When you’re done, you’re glad you decided to go through with it despite early misgivings. It’s kind of like running after having a few donuts, but with a mild buzz. Happy Friday!

Inspired or Insidious?

Friends, Truly original ideas (good or evil) can be powerful. Once articulated, they take on a life of their own. The best (and worst) of them  carry a sense of inevitability,  can  impact millions of lives and  change the world, for better or worse. Like humidity suspended in a cloud, once these ideas condense, they must be unleashed and soak the earth. Fortunately, the vast majority of ideas don’t reek of destiny. They are mediocre,  unoriginal and largely  unremarkable . Most if not all of the 6,000 thoughts each of us has on any given day are harmless. Like my idea of going out to grab a donut before the day gets too busy. I guess I’ll be on my way before another thought supersedes it and… wait, what was I thinking?  Never mind.  Happy Friday!

Istanbul was Constantinople

Friends, Picture Irina, a Balinese ballerina having a ball at Ball Arena. If you’d seen the same scene at the Pepsi Center, she’d have epilepsy, and less pep as she enters… see? I may be the last person in Colorado to realize the famous venue’s name change — two years too late. Of the two Ball Arena teams, it seems the Nuggets still have hope for a title as they put the Suns underfoot and left their imprint at Footprint Center, to enter round two. A celebration seems in order, and I’m on it. I’ll order a donut. Happy Friday!

Co***y Radio Station

Friends, It’s been a couple of months since Denver’s comedy radio station switched formats to country. I imagine their execs saw similarities beyond the two styles sharing first and last letters. Odd stories to make sad people smile were replaced with sad stories to make odd people smile. Robin Williams with Tim Robbins. Josh Blue with Clint Black. I must admit the advertiser lineup feels eerily unchanged. Perhaps that was the point. I suppose both audiences need drugs, HVAC services and one harmonica-playing financial advisor. In a way it also feels unnatural. Kind of like going from donuts to bagels because they look similar. Still, I’ve kept the preset button on my dial despite the corny deep voiced station identification guy — and the fact the new format has never been my thing. Call it my way of embracing change. With a little bit of chicken fry and cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fits just right… Happy Cinco de Friday!

Donut Lose Weight Like This!

Friends, While folks seem unwilling to let anything get in the way of their weight loss goals, would-be weight losers don’t avail themselves of every available option. Take amputation. Losing an arm gets rid of over 5% of your body weight — a leg is nearly 20%! I suppose effectiveness is not the only consideration. There’s cost (surgery is expensive.) There’s safety (Fen-Phen anyone?) There’s inconvenience (exercise and food deprivation are such a hassle.) I suppose that’s why folks are turning to the antidepressant-turned-weight-l oss-sensation Ozempic. And, as an added bonus, it comes with free entertainment, in the form of vivid dreams with weird celebrity interactions. Of course, if you want to lose weight on the cheap, just contract a digestive tract infection. Aside from the frequent bathroom trips, it’s highly effective. Worked for me! Although, on the down side I may have to deprive myself of my usual donut this week. Happy Friday! One of the sights you will see if you​ follow

Rapid Unscheduled Donut Expedition

Friends, I have a new favorite euphemism: "rapid unscheduled disassembly," and I'm dying to try it outside of the SpaceX Starship light show. But where to use it? Bear with me while I try it out... It's not even been three years since the port of Beirut's rapid unscheduled disassembly, so it may be too soon to use it in that context. Well, how about the Death Star? It inflicted a rapid unscheduled disassembly on Alderaan before being subjected to a rapid unscheduled disassembly of its own. Doesn't quite roll off the tongue does it? Maybe if we made it an acronym? RUD? I have an idea! In the long tradition of hand-picking words to fit acronyms, how about we add a word, so it's a "Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly Explosion" (RUDE). I realize the last word defeats the reason the three preceding words were used in the first place, but by putting it in an acronym, you can still avoid saying it. Or you could just say the rocket exploded. But where's t

My Golden Ticket

Friends, I was boarding a plane when it hit me: I had the golden seat! Not literally made out of gold, mind you, but it was 24K. How big was this plane? I don't have enough fingers on my hands to reach K, so I doubted the regional route had somehow ended up with a plane that has 11+ seats per row. As it turns-out my pure gold seat was actually on a plain vanilla 6 seat wide Boeing 737. For some reason, the airline had used the first five letters of the alphabet to label the first five seats in each row but decided to skip F, G, H, I and J and go straight to K. Why the gap? Was it whim? It turns out, according to THE Google, K is the highest letter you would use on the widest planes with 10 seats across (the letter I is skipped because it looks too much like a number 1), so for some airlines the starboard seat is always K. Yes I googled "port vs starboard" so I could use a big word, and yes, I stopped at the Dunkin' in the airport to have a donut. Happy Friday!

Uncontrollable Verborrhea

Friends, Denver can now look forward to a May oral runoff, leading up to the June mayoral runoff. One can only hope the two candidates pause long enough to swallow some of their own runoff. Speaking of which, do swallow’s nests remind you of monstrously deformed Malayan tapir heads? Swallowing swallows through misshapen prehensile snouts. Then again, maybe it’s just me and my misguided imagination. Either way, have a donut, and do not be too quick to judge my word play. I found it quite punny. Happy Good Friday!

Déjà vu

Friends, As the first quarter of 2023 draws to a close, I’m reminded time flies. The ever growing past is ever present. The farmhouse demolished years ago still smells like floor wax, cigarettes and scrambled eggs. That missed opportunity still feels like it might yet be seized. Your dear departed friend, whose contact is still on your phone, awaits your call. If only. But what if memories were not the only way to go back? What if you could  actually go back? If eternity is a dimension above time-space, it opens the possibility of accessing our lifespan like a book. If you could retrace your steps and relive your life, would you change anything? Of course, if you did it would destroy your current self, after all, you are the product of your personal history. Maybe you can’t change it, only revisit it. If that’s the case, I propose you create a life you’d want to relive. Smile more. Be curious and kind. Treat yourself to a donut now and again. Happy Friday!

The Telltale Bone

Friends, I’d crossed that ordinary pedestrian bridge dozens of times. Big Dry Creek flowing picturesquely under the flat concrete slab. Pretty, yet somehow unremarkable. Then, one day, I notice it. In an instant, the mundane pothole transformed into a puzzling mystery. The crumbling cement revealed a bone. Now, I’m no bone expert, but I am an expert speculator. In no time flat, a narrative had emerged in my head. The telltale bone had freed itself to seek justice. Surely this was no mere cow bone. Any self-respecting engineer would eschew a building material so likely to create a structural weakness. No, it must have been hidden there under the cover of night, in hopes of never being discovered. Could it be human? Could it be… murder? Was the rest of the body laying there waiting to be unearthed? How had this poor soul come to such a foul end? The bridge must be several decades old. Had the family found closure? Surely I’ve let my imagination go too far. Again. Or have I? Best grab a d

It's Not Easy Being Green

Friends, Saint Patrick was not Irish, yet St. Patrick’s day is the quintessential Irish holiday. There probably were no snakes in Ireland, yet he drove them into the sea. Potatoes are native to the Americas, yet the Irish diaspora forever associated them with famine. As we prepare to celebrate with shamrocks, green beer, leprechauns, beef and cabbage, I ponder how many of these things are truly Irish. I suppose it doesn’t matter. I bite into my lucky green donut and enjoy that pinch-proof feeling conferred by my green boxer briefs, which cover ~12% of my body—roughly corresponding to my Irish DNA makeup. Happy St. Patty’s day, y’all!

Sweet Dreams

Friends, How restful is your sleep? I’d say mine’s pretty decent. Out for the count by ten, up by dawn; I try to put in a good eight hours every night. I do wake up intermittently, so it’s hard to be certain—a health tracker might remove uncertainty, but where’s the fun in that? Whenever my mind is racing and Morpheus eludes me, my thoughts wander to my old childhood haunts where I know I’ll find my Zs swinging from a familiar tree or waiting around an adobe corner. It may take a minute, or an hour, but it’s comforting to know my next heartbeat might bring sleep in its wake—and with it, perhaps a sweet dream where donuts feature prominently. Happy Friday!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Friends, Regardless of whether Kevin Hart and Will Smith can pull-off a  Planes, Trains and Automobiles  remake, this week’s news got me thinking of the classic 1987 comedy. Planes . Five recent runway close calls, with planes pulling up at the last minute to avoid a collision, will be the focus of the confirmation hearings for the new FAA administrator. Trains . Two trains to be precise. One toxic, the other Greek. The latter is tragic and the former reeks! Automobiles . This week, Tesla’s chief executive regained his title of richest man in the world, then lost it again two days later. Bummer, dude! As for donuts, there are no newsworthy events to report. I guess no news is good news. Happy Friday!

All Nutrients And Laughs

Friends, My wife and I have a Costco routine: she shops while I wander, tasting the free samples whilst adding unplanned items to the shopping cart—you know, impulse buys, snacks, booze. Occasionally, I also get asked to fetch an item from the far reaches of the store. On our last visit, my task was to get some probiotics, so I wandered off to the pill section. After an eternity (10 minutes) of slowly checking and re-checking each shelf, I was no closer to accomplishing my goal. I was, however, chuckling at how they had chosen to organize one particular row. In it, conveniently located next to each other, were stool softener, condoms, hemorrhoid medicine and prostate vitamins. I’d love to know how they named that aisle. Who knew Costco had a sense of humor? I will say they missed an opportunity to add donuts to the mix—pillows, not pastries. Although, on second thought, the latter might be considered more appropriate. In the end it took my wife 19 seconds to find the probiotics (I was

Undiagnosed Donuholic

Friends, Does your inner hypochondriac ever make you wonder whether you have an undiagnosed mental condition? Whether it’s ADHD, OCD, ASD or some other acronym ending in D, we seem bent on labeling any distinct behavioral pattern we find as a “disorder”. Part of me feels that having a diagnosis and a name would take an integral part of who I am and make it something that needs to be “treated” or “cured”. I’m not talking about debilitating conditions or extreme cases that prevent you from functioning in society—each of us should make that call for ourselves and seek professional help if needed. Rather, I’m worried about tagging and treating normal neurological variability because it absolves us from personal responsibility. Maybe the “D” should be for “Donut” instead of “Disorder”, after all a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down—and I’m sure there’s at least that much in each sweet pastry. Better yet, a donut should be the prescription—talk about taking sugar pills, and the ens

The Mystery of the Missing Element

Friends, There’s something missing this fine morning. You might not notice it on first inspection, however, once you’ve seen it, it won’t be unseen. So, fetch some coffee with donuts to ponder this mystery. Don’t worry, there’s nothing to fix. You’ll need some clues to solve it, so follow them—don’t quit! You don’t need it to describe bioluminescent beings emptying their bowels in frictionless cryogenic environments. Your doctor might tell you to utter this sound when checking your tonsils. The missing element is commonly found in writing. In truth it’s the third most used letter in the English tongue. By now, I expect you’ve likely got it. If you look closely, you will notice the missing letter. This is no mere clicking sound either. Just look from here to “Z”, then you will see. The first vowel is conspicuously omitted from this note. Why? Well, why not? Here’s wishing your weekend’s eve will be delightful!

Alternative Telecom Definitions

Friends, In the multiverse, if you can imagine something, it has happened on a parallel planet. Out there, citizens laugh at the terminology we choose to use. As mementos from my trip to one such verse, I bring you some definitions found in their version of Newton’s Telecom Dictionary.  Fiber optic . Medical services combining digestive health and eye care.  Cell phone .  A device momma amoeba uses to text daddy amoeba her last minute shopping requests, usually when he’s already paying for groceries.  Firewall .  Backdrop where firing squads implement summary executions ordered by revolutionary kangaroo courts. Ready. Aim… Broadband .  All female musical group from the Bronx.   SIP Trunk .  Idiom used to describe what elephants do with their proboscis during high tea.  Of course, any world worth living in must have donuts. Which reminds me, I need to go grab one.  Happy Friday! -JP González 720-480-4116 P.S. While today's images were created with the help of DALL·E, an AI system by

Musings on Progress

  Friends, 3D printing and donuts may seem like an unlikely pair, but they make a great combination. 3D printing all ows for creating intricate shapes and forms, which is perfect for making unique donut designs. Imagine biting into a donut shaped like a miniature Eiffel Tower or with sprinkles that are tiny 3D-printed replicas of your favorite cartoon characters. The possibilities are endless. However, as with any technology, there are risks such as job displacement and ethical concerns. In all seriousness, the use of 3D printing opens up a new world of possibilities for the humble donut. We may even see 3D-printed donut shops in the future, where customers can customize their own donut mold and watch it being made before their eyes. But it's important to be aware and considerate of the potential risks that come with advancements in technology. Speaking of technological advancement and its risks, wanna hear something scary? I didn’t write the preceding paragraphs. This email was ge

Fire the Pickpockets

Friends, Have you ever been misled by your own eyes? Personally, it’s a source of constant amusement. When a recent headline read " SpaceX to Fire all 33 engines of the Starship ”, I understood they were laying off an oddly specific number of engineers. It seemed bizarre, yet somehow in character for Elon Musk. Reading the article I quickly realized my mistake. I’ve made a mental note that the word “fire” can mean different things depending on which of Mr. Musk’s enterprises we’re discussing. Fire multiple engines. SpaceX. Fire started by lithium batteries. Tesla. Fire employees. Twitter. Another recent inner chuckle came when I realized I’ve managed to miss a sign warning against pickpockets that’s been there forever, apparently an attempt to distract your attention while you’re being robbed —or perhaps to tarnish Cuenca’s reputation as a safe city.  Maybe they should fire all the pickpockets. How have your senses tricked you lately? Donut be shy. Happy Friday!

Nothing's Worrying Me!

Friends, I love watching rainfall. With each drop, new ripples displace their predecessors. Every puddle, the stage of simultaneous creation and entropy. Order and chaos. The mind wanders from atoms to star systems, all choreographed around concentric circles on different timescales and orders of magnitude. For a brief moment it’s all connected. Donuts on every scale. Let it rain! Happy Friday!

It's, like, unlikely!

Friends, I think we all love being useful, but hate feeling used. We want to be home and not be too homely. To always be the best yet never to be bested. Personally, I hunger to live free, but won’t eat free liver (yuck!). Donuts, on the other hand I’ll eat any day of the year, but preferably any given Friday. As we start this new year, I wish each of you an overflowing cup of cheer, an overwhelming sense of joy and an overstated burst of self-confidence. May that crazy wish come true and some chance event improve your life in unforeseen (and awesome) ways. Happy Friday! P.S. if you were curious about how my New Year’s Eve proceedings unfolded, here are some videos, including a walk through  of the effigy in the daytime, the  reading of the will , the  burning of the effigy   and a photo  of the burning effigy.  P.S.S. I'm excited to let you know I started a new job as VP of Telecom Marketing at Access Marketing Company! Donut eat this mesquite donut