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Showing posts from April, 2023

Donut Lose Weight Like This!

Friends, While folks seem unwilling to let anything get in the way of their weight loss goals, would-be weight losers don’t avail themselves of every available option. Take amputation. Losing an arm gets rid of over 5% of your body weight — a leg is nearly 20%! I suppose effectiveness is not the only consideration. There’s cost (surgery is expensive.) There’s safety (Fen-Phen anyone?) There’s inconvenience (exercise and food deprivation are such a hassle.) I suppose that’s why folks are turning to the antidepressant-turned-weight-l oss-sensation Ozempic. And, as an added bonus, it comes with free entertainment, in the form of vivid dreams with weird celebrity interactions. Of course, if you want to lose weight on the cheap, just contract a digestive tract infection. Aside from the frequent bathroom trips, it’s highly effective. Worked for me! Although, on the down side I may have to deprive myself of my usual donut this week. Happy Friday! One of the sights you will see if you​ follow

Rapid Unscheduled Donut Expedition

Friends, I have a new favorite euphemism: "rapid unscheduled disassembly," and I'm dying to try it outside of the SpaceX Starship light show. But where to use it? Bear with me while I try it out... It's not even been three years since the port of Beirut's rapid unscheduled disassembly, so it may be too soon to use it in that context. Well, how about the Death Star? It inflicted a rapid unscheduled disassembly on Alderaan before being subjected to a rapid unscheduled disassembly of its own. Doesn't quite roll off the tongue does it? Maybe if we made it an acronym? RUD? I have an idea! In the long tradition of hand-picking words to fit acronyms, how about we add a word, so it's a "Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly Explosion" (RUDE). I realize the last word defeats the reason the three preceding words were used in the first place, but by putting it in an acronym, you can still avoid saying it. Or you could just say the rocket exploded. But where's t

My Golden Ticket

Friends, I was boarding a plane when it hit me: I had the golden seat! Not literally made out of gold, mind you, but it was 24K. How big was this plane? I don't have enough fingers on my hands to reach K, so I doubted the regional route had somehow ended up with a plane that has 11+ seats per row. As it turns-out my pure gold seat was actually on a plain vanilla 6 seat wide Boeing 737. For some reason, the airline had used the first five letters of the alphabet to label the first five seats in each row but decided to skip F, G, H, I and J and go straight to K. Why the gap? Was it whim? It turns out, according to THE Google, K is the highest letter you would use on the widest planes with 10 seats across (the letter I is skipped because it looks too much like a number 1), so for some airlines the starboard seat is always K. Yes I googled "port vs starboard" so I could use a big word, and yes, I stopped at the Dunkin' in the airport to have a donut. Happy Friday!

Uncontrollable Verborrhea

Friends, Denver can now look forward to a May oral runoff, leading up to the June mayoral runoff. One can only hope the two candidates pause long enough to swallow some of their own runoff. Speaking of which, do swallow’s nests remind you of monstrously deformed Malayan tapir heads? Swallowing swallows through misshapen prehensile snouts. Then again, maybe it’s just me and my misguided imagination. Either way, have a donut, and do not be too quick to judge my word play. I found it quite punny. Happy Good Friday!