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Calorie Cap and Trade

Dear members and constituents,
How about a calorie exchange? If companies can have the permission to pollute so long as they pay others to offset their bad habits, why not apply the same principle to food? If the federal government were to impose a dietary cap-and-trade program, how would that work? First off it would have to have a clever name. Something like the MORPH Act (Morbid Obesity Reduction Promoting Health) or the FIT Law (Food Ingestion Trade) or even the THIN Plan (Transform Hefty Individual Nutrition). Enforcement, of course, would have to be overseen by the FFA (Fatties Funding Anorexics). Whatever the name, caloric intake would be capped at a pre-set limit (something like 2,000 calories) and those with more robust appetites could purchase calorie credits from more Spartan eaters. This could come especially handy on days like today where 4-20 observers might get the munchies later on (increasing the People's Republic of Boulder’s trade deficit). As with any governmental program worth its salt, it probably looks better on paper that in reality. One doesn't have to be very creative to foresee the unintended consequences (I will leave those to your fertile imagination). For now, no such restrictions exist so you can take full advantage of Paul Savill's excellent job as donut boy. So come join the resistance movement we’re calling The DONUT (Digestive Oppression is Needless, Useless Tyranny). It's never too early to start.
Happy Friday!

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