Dear Members and Constituents,
I have a confession to make: I watched an infomercial this
week. I forget the specifics, but somewhere between their patent-pending this
and volume purchases of that, my mind started to wander. Suddenly, I was transported.
There must have been a disturbing grin etched on my face as I imagined an
infomercial of a different color –from the perspective of a fictitious, amoral
and unscrupulous company. Now, before I take a stab at committing this script
to paper (I should say bits in this case), conjure-up your favorite “infomercial
pitchman” (here’s a compilation of bad
infomercials, if you need some inspiration). Ready? OK.
Tired of expensive toys? Wallet worn-down from buying useless
trinkets that hold your child’s attention for a few hours, at best? Have your
kids been invited to yet another pointless birthday party? Stop! Don’t spend another
twenty of your hard-earned dollars at the Walmart toy aisle! Did you know today’s
children will play with the average toy for two hours before it’s donated or
goes to a landfill? It’s like throwing cash into the compost heap. It stinks!
Finally, there’s a solution! Introducing Mediocre
Toys. Built to last as long as your kiddo’s attention span, we use only the
shoddiest materials. Why pay more for durability when we all know where that
toy is going after the party? Sourced exclusively from under-developed nations
with no environmental protection laws or enforcement, our raw materials are
cheap! Our state-of-the-art process is designed to cut corners every step of
the way –no costly quality control department here! But wait, the savings keep
piling-on! Our sweat shops are strategically located in countries with lenient
child labor laws. We pay our workforce (think of them as our kiddos) an average
of $1 a month –that’s four cents per sixteen hour shift! And all these savings get
passed straight to you, our customer! As a bonus, most of our toys use lead. We
all know smart kids ask lots of questions and tend to rebel in their teens.
Lead is a heavy metal known to hamper brain development –which means, you
guessed it, less questions growing-up and easier-going teenage years. So call
now. Semi-fluent offshore operators are standing-by.
Alright, that was pretty bad. Maybe there’s a good reason it’s
been three months since I’ve been allowed to address you. Fortunately, the
donuts are good. Austin Hurt, donut boy, delights us this morning with four
dozen delicious donuts. And, while these donuts may last as long as my
attention span, the similarities with mediocre toys end there. Ed is
out-of-office today, so, be as unscrupulous as you like with your donut selection…
there’s no one there to judge you.
Happy Friday!
P.S. If you have not read it yet, check-out my new
post on Level 3’s blog (shameless plug).
P.S.S. During this three month hiatus, I had the opportunity
spend a week in New York City as a tourist. I think I found what Denver has
been sorely missing: a donut pub!
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