Skip to main content

Come Now, Donuts Are Standing-By

Dear Members and Constituents,
I have a confession to make: I watched an infomercial this week. I forget the specifics, but somewhere between their patent-pending this and volume purchases of that, my mind started to wander. Suddenly, I was transported. There must have been a disturbing grin etched on my face as I imagined an infomercial of a different color –from the perspective of a fictitious, amoral and unscrupulous company. Now, before I take a stab at committing this script to paper (I should say bits in this case), conjure-up your favorite “infomercial pitchman” (here’s a compilation of bad infomercials, if you need some inspiration). Ready? OK.

Tired of expensive toys? Wallet worn-down from buying useless trinkets that hold your child’s attention for a few hours, at best? Have your kids been invited to yet another pointless birthday party? Stop! Don’t spend another twenty of your hard-earned dollars at the Walmart toy aisle! Did you know today’s children will play with the average toy for two hours before it’s donated or goes to a landfill? It’s like throwing cash into the compost heap. It stinks! Finally, there’s a solution! Introducing Mediocre Toys. Built to last as long as your kiddo’s attention span, we use only the shoddiest materials. Why pay more for durability when we all know where that toy is going after the party? Sourced exclusively from under-developed nations with no environmental protection laws or enforcement, our raw materials are cheap! Our state-of-the-art process is designed to cut corners every step of the way –no costly quality control department here! But wait, the savings keep piling-on! Our sweat shops are strategically located in countries with lenient child labor laws. We pay our workforce (think of them as our kiddos) an average of $1 a month –that’s four cents per sixteen hour shift! And all these savings get passed straight to you, our customer! As a bonus, most of our toys use lead. We all know smart kids ask lots of questions and tend to rebel in their teens. Lead is a heavy metal known to hamper brain development –which means, you guessed it, less questions growing-up and easier-going teenage years. So call now. Semi-fluent offshore operators are standing-by.

Alright, that was pretty bad. Maybe there’s a good reason it’s been three months since I’ve been allowed to address you. Fortunately, the donuts are good. Austin Hurt, donut boy, delights us this morning with four dozen delicious donuts. And, while these donuts may last as long as my attention span, the similarities with mediocre toys end there. Ed is out-of-office today, so, be as unscrupulous as you like with your donut selection… there’s no one there to judge you.
Happy Friday!

P.S. If you have not read it yet, check-out my new post on Level 3’s blog (shameless plug).

P.S.S. During this three month hiatus, I had the opportunity spend a week in New York City as a tourist. I think I found what Denver has been sorely missing: a donut pub!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Donut Hole Alignment

Friends, My predawn attempts to watch the planetary alignment have thus far been met with cloudy skies. The weather forecast through the end of the cosmic event suggests I shall not witness it. And yet, my futile attempts have been rewarded in other ways. The chorus of birds, frogs and insects singing in anticipation of the sun’s glorious rising complement the river’s steady churning. The crisp, fresh air in a desolate town whose citizens are still bidding Morpheus “adieu” caresses my skin while the sweet aroma of petrichor fills my lounges. Deep shadows of centenarian eucalyptus trees slowly recede and give way to the imperceptible progress of the brightening skies. Sure, witnessing those tiny bright spots lined-up in the sky would be pretty cool —like sprinkles on a donut. Speaking of donuts, if you’re ever in Cuenca around the feast of Corpus Christi (which ended yesterday) you need to try the Huevos Chilenos (Chilean Eggs) —think of them as less sweet donut holes. And, if like me t

To an end to Covid Games

  Friends, As 2021 comes to an end, it’s time to remember and be grateful for another year of life – there’s much for which to be grateful. Sure, some things could have gone better (they always can), but on balance things were good. At the Gonz├ílez household, the cathartic process of capturing this year’s essence to burn at midnight is wrapping-up. This year’s theme, “Covid Games from home” uses Squid games (Netflix’s unlikely breakaway hit) as a way to mock the two main Covid variants of concern (Delta and Omicron) and commiserate about working from home with all the weirdness it carries along. Comfy slippers combined with dressing-up from the waist up for zoom meetings (not to mention the quarantine fifteen). As I hope for lots of snow and no wind (lest we need to call an audible on the midnight burn) my thoughts turn to my friends in Boulder county and hopes for a quick recovery. May 2022 bring an end to confinement and lots of opportunities to share donuts. Happy Friday!

Donuts Without Borders

Friends, I believe going anywhere in the world (so long as you abide by the local laws) should be a human right. People should be allowed to wander freely (or vote with their feet whenever a government alienates them). In this, I fully support Doctors Without Borders’ decision to no longer accept funding from the EU due to their immigration policies. Good for them! That said borders can be useful. Take, for instance national sports teams. If there were no borders, events like the summer and winter Olympiads would not exist. Closer to home, those of you who follow soccer are probably tuning-in to the hundredth edition of Copa America , currently under way. Last night the quarter final opener featured both of the teams for which I've been rooting. Who do you cheer for when you know only one of your teams will advance? You can't root for both or you risk becoming a dispassionate observer, so, you either pick one or choose to narrate the game in English (i.e. no 100 MPH narra