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Come Now, Donuts Are Standing-By

Dear Members and Constituents,
I have a confession to make: I watched an infomercial this week. I forget the specifics, but somewhere between their patent-pending this and volume purchases of that, my mind started to wander. Suddenly, I was transported. There must have been a disturbing grin etched on my face as I imagined an infomercial of a different color –from the perspective of a fictitious, amoral and unscrupulous company. Now, before I take a stab at committing this script to paper (I should say bits in this case), conjure-up your favorite “infomercial pitchman” (here’s a compilation of bad infomercials, if you need some inspiration). Ready? OK.

Tired of expensive toys? Wallet worn-down from buying useless trinkets that hold your child’s attention for a few hours, at best? Have your kids been invited to yet another pointless birthday party? Stop! Don’t spend another twenty of your hard-earned dollars at the Walmart toy aisle! Did you know today’s children will play with the average toy for two hours before it’s donated or goes to a landfill? It’s like throwing cash into the compost heap. It stinks! Finally, there’s a solution! Introducing Mediocre Toys. Built to last as long as your kiddo’s attention span, we use only the shoddiest materials. Why pay more for durability when we all know where that toy is going after the party? Sourced exclusively from under-developed nations with no environmental protection laws or enforcement, our raw materials are cheap! Our state-of-the-art process is designed to cut corners every step of the way –no costly quality control department here! But wait, the savings keep piling-on! Our sweat shops are strategically located in countries with lenient child labor laws. We pay our workforce (think of them as our kiddos) an average of $1 a month –that’s four cents per sixteen hour shift! And all these savings get passed straight to you, our customer! As a bonus, most of our toys use lead. We all know smart kids ask lots of questions and tend to rebel in their teens. Lead is a heavy metal known to hamper brain development –which means, you guessed it, less questions growing-up and easier-going teenage years. So call now. Semi-fluent offshore operators are standing-by.

Alright, that was pretty bad. Maybe there’s a good reason it’s been three months since I’ve been allowed to address you. Fortunately, the donuts are good. Austin Hurt, donut boy, delights us this morning with four dozen delicious donuts. And, while these donuts may last as long as my attention span, the similarities with mediocre toys end there. Ed is out-of-office today, so, be as unscrupulous as you like with your donut selection… there’s no one there to judge you.
Happy Friday!

P.S. If you have not read it yet, check-out my new post on Level 3’s blog (shameless plug).

P.S.S. During this three month hiatus, I had the opportunity spend a week in New York City as a tourist. I think I found what Denver has been sorely missing: a donut pub!

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