Skip to main content

Come Now, Donuts Are Standing-By

Dear Members and Constituents,
I have a confession to make: I watched an infomercial this week. I forget the specifics, but somewhere between their patent-pending this and volume purchases of that, my mind started to wander. Suddenly, I was transported. There must have been a disturbing grin etched on my face as I imagined an infomercial of a different color –from the perspective of a fictitious, amoral and unscrupulous company. Now, before I take a stab at committing this script to paper (I should say bits in this case), conjure-up your favorite “infomercial pitchman” (here’s a compilation of bad infomercials, if you need some inspiration). Ready? OK.

Tired of expensive toys? Wallet worn-down from buying useless trinkets that hold your child’s attention for a few hours, at best? Have your kids been invited to yet another pointless birthday party? Stop! Don’t spend another twenty of your hard-earned dollars at the Walmart toy aisle! Did you know today’s children will play with the average toy for two hours before it’s donated or goes to a landfill? It’s like throwing cash into the compost heap. It stinks! Finally, there’s a solution! Introducing Mediocre Toys. Built to last as long as your kiddo’s attention span, we use only the shoddiest materials. Why pay more for durability when we all know where that toy is going after the party? Sourced exclusively from under-developed nations with no environmental protection laws or enforcement, our raw materials are cheap! Our state-of-the-art process is designed to cut corners every step of the way –no costly quality control department here! But wait, the savings keep piling-on! Our sweat shops are strategically located in countries with lenient child labor laws. We pay our workforce (think of them as our kiddos) an average of $1 a month –that’s four cents per sixteen hour shift! And all these savings get passed straight to you, our customer! As a bonus, most of our toys use lead. We all know smart kids ask lots of questions and tend to rebel in their teens. Lead is a heavy metal known to hamper brain development –which means, you guessed it, less questions growing-up and easier-going teenage years. So call now. Semi-fluent offshore operators are standing-by.

Alright, that was pretty bad. Maybe there’s a good reason it’s been three months since I’ve been allowed to address you. Fortunately, the donuts are good. Austin Hurt, donut boy, delights us this morning with four dozen delicious donuts. And, while these donuts may last as long as my attention span, the similarities with mediocre toys end there. Ed is out-of-office today, so, be as unscrupulous as you like with your donut selection… there’s no one there to judge you.
Happy Friday!

P.S. If you have not read it yet, check-out my new post on Level 3’s blog (shameless plug).

P.S.S. During this three month hiatus, I had the opportunity spend a week in New York City as a tourist. I think I found what Denver has been sorely missing: a donut pub!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Donut Doodle Dandy

Dear Members and Constituents, In trying to figure-out Wednesday’s cool-looking Google Doodle ( Jorge Luis Borges’ 112 th birthday ), I stumbled across a list of Google Doodles you’ll never see. This, and a Rockies game later that day, were sufficient inspiration to get my head spinning around what other doodles Google might never noodle? I’m sure you’ll probably have a few ideas of your own, but I was able to come-up with a couple. How about a former Colorado Rockies player whose unfortunate encounter with a moth put him in the news this week? The Matt Holliday doodle might look something like this… Another item which, surprisingly enough, has not been made into a doodle are donuts. Although I was slightly taken aback to find this delicious pastry has not been featured, after the initial disappointment, I decided to take matters into my own hands and take a stab at one (perhaps Google can use it next year for national donut day )… or to celebrate Greek police having “ blown a ho...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Dozen Rules to Live By

Friends, When it comes to the big questions, there are far too many platitudes, truisms, cliches and BS. Bookshelves are lined with so much advice, you’d think we would have answered them all by now. So, why do people keep doing it? I couldn’t tell you. Whatever the reason, here’s one more exploration to add to the interminable list. I’ve left God out of this post, so these “rules” should come in handy whether you believe life has meaning, or you think purpose is just our prefrontal cortex’s way of sabotaging our limbic system. And, since donuts come in dozens, it felt fitting that my list just happens to have twelve rules.   Do it! (what are you waiting for?). Life sometimes feels like a dress rehearsal. So much time spent preparing for the future, there’s little time left to actually live life. Habit, routine and inertia have a way of filling the day. Try something new, who knows, you might enjoy it. Don’t overthink it. But, what to do? Give-in to a...
2 comments
Read more

Enchanted Donuts

Friends, Mix equal doses of isolation, adaptation, and time. Add a pinch of random stowaway life forms. Remove predators. The result? An eclectic collection of surprising plants and animals known as the Galápagos Islands. Here, iguanas swim and dive for food, the largest members of the sunflower family grow into 45 foot tall trees, and boulder-sized tortoises blow past the century mark with ease. Frigatebird throats of red, boobie feet of blue, moth-pollinated flowers of white. And, having been granted constitutional rights , sea lions own most park benches in town. Surrounded by an ocean teeming with fish of all shapes and sizes, the only downside of spending time in this remote Ecuadorian province appears to be the complete absence of donut shops. I suppose I too can adapt.  Happy Friday!
Post a Comment
Read more