Friday Donuts

Friends, Leftover season is the perfect time of year to head out to the gym and watch a police drama from an elliptical exercise machine. When you do, you’ll notice the acting is worse than usual without sound. The formulaic camera angles, exaggerated gestures and staged settings feel too fake. Fortunately, there’s a simple solution: make-up your own dialog. Or, if you’re not feeling overly creative, borrow some from Deadpool. Picture the overly enthusiastic crime analyst magically projecting a digitally enhanced surveillance video image of a suspect walking away from his car. His supervisor who always seems to be standing over his shoulder says “Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in nineteen-ninety-never.” To which the analyst replies “Relax, he’s just retrieving something from his utility bag.” The supervisor now gesticulating at the screen says “It's a god-damn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch! The difference is night and day.” Just

Friends, If you can judge a show's audience by the commercials, I wonder what the prescription drug ads say about my viewing habits. Speaking of which, here's a script for the drug commercial you didn't know you needed: I was sick ... a lot! If a disease was on the news, no matter how rare, I felt the symptoms. Turns out I had mild to severe hypochondria. Fortunately, there's Pla sí bo. A once daily sugar pill designed to reverse the psychosomatic process associated with illness anxiety so you can say " sí " to a healthy life. In studies, an inexplicably high percentage of people taking Pla sí bo felt better. And it improves your mood. Pla sí bo is not for people suffering from actual diseases. Side effects may include hyperactivity, sugar highs, afternoon crashes, weight gain and cavities. While rare, some patients reported hypoglycemic shock when discontinuing the use of Pla sí bo. Don't take Pla sí bo if you are diabetic, allergic to sugar, or are curre

Friends, What’s the cheapest mood enhancer? I’m glad you asked! For me, going outside and looking up is a surefire endorphin booster. No matter the time or weather conditions, there’s always something uplifting to see. It doesn’t need to be a spectacular super moon rising, although you can see one this evening. Sunrises or sunsets, curious clouds or clear blue skies, precipitation or star observation. There’s something to be said for looking at the horizon and letting your mind wander as you take in the wonders of that ever-changing canvas. Another smile inducer? Donuts. This morning, Krispy Kreme ought to do the trick. Happy Friday!

Friends, Nothing good comes from worrying, especially if that anxiety is over things you can’t control. On Tuesday I stayed clear of the news media’s play-by-play circus and went to bed early. On Wednesday I woke up refreshed to find the rising sun in all its majesty didn’t care what we tiny humans do at the ballot box. Today’s winter storm is more likely to impact my plans than the outcome of any election. I will try to grab a donut ahead of the weather and continue to do my small part to make the world a kinder place. As for Washington, I’m glad to be 1600 miles away from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., and grateful for an inefficient system of checks and balances designed to move at a glacial pace. Happy Friday!

Friends, In this era of echo chambers, misinformation and conspiracy theories, I thought it might be fun to invent a few “facts” of my own. So, without further ado (and no factual basis to support any of these claims) here are a few plausible headlines I bet I could get folks to believe: The pandemic lowered average global life expectancy by 263 days due to an increase in day-drinking-induced cirrhosis of the liver. Last night, auroras over Roscommon, Ireland (birthplace of Halloween) opened an inter dimensional portal that unleashed apparitions over an 80-mile radius, reaching places as far flung as Cork and Dublin. A new Rice University study of online shopping habits found the use of the terms “rare” and “vintage” in listings significantly drove up prices of otherwise unremarkable merchandise. In a surprise move, Alphabet reached a settlement with Russia to pay 0.00001% of the $20 decillion fine the country imposed on Google’s parent company, to be paid in annual installments over