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Fun Fictional Facts

Friends,
In this era of echo chambers, misinformation and conspiracy theories, I thought it might be fun to invent a few “facts” of my own. So, without further ado (and no factual basis to support any of these claims) here are a few plausible headlines I bet I could get folks to believe:
  • The pandemic lowered average global life expectancy by 263 days due to an increase in day-drinking-induced cirrhosis of the liver.
  • Last night, auroras over Roscommon, Ireland (birthplace of Halloween) opened an inter dimensional portal that unleashed apparitions over an 80-mile radius, reaching places as far flung as Cork and Dublin.
  • A new Rice University study of online shopping habits found the use of the terms “rare” and “vintage” in listings significantly drove up prices of otherwise unremarkable merchandise.
  • In a surprise move, Alphabet reached a settlement with Russia to pay 0.00001% of the $20 decillion fine the country imposed on Google’s parent company, to be paid in annual installments over the next century and a half.
  • Archeologists in Turkey have unearthed a six thousand year old clay tablet believed to be the earliest documented example of a lame excuse to miss work.
  • In a joint announcement, NASA and the ESA published earlier this week the discovery of a “planet killer” asteroid orbiting the sun in a highly eccentric orbit that has a 73% chance of collision with Earth in 2052.
  • A new parchment roll found near the Qumran Caves, containing a recipe for “sufeganiya”, moves the timeline of the donut nearly two millennia earlier than Captain Gregory Hanson’s 1847 “invention“ of the beloved pastry.
If you bought into any of these fake news, I have some beach front properties in Nebraska that might interest you.
Happy Friday!
Photo Credit: Open AI DALL·E  + JP González

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