Skip to main content

Fun Fictional Facts

Friends,
In this era of echo chambers, misinformation and conspiracy theories, I thought it might be fun to invent a few “facts” of my own. So, without further ado (and no factual basis to support any of these claims) here are a few plausible headlines I bet I could get folks to believe:
  • The pandemic lowered average global life expectancy by 263 days due to an increase in day-drinking-induced cirrhosis of the liver.
  • Last night, auroras over Roscommon, Ireland (birthplace of Halloween) opened an inter dimensional portal that unleashed apparitions over an 80-mile radius, reaching places as far flung as Cork and Dublin.
  • A new Rice University study of online shopping habits found the use of the terms “rare” and “vintage” in listings significantly drove up prices of otherwise unremarkable merchandise.
  • In a surprise move, Alphabet reached a settlement with Russia to pay 0.00001% of the $20 decillion fine the country imposed on Google’s parent company, to be paid in annual installments over the next century and a half.
  • Archeologists in Turkey have unearthed a six thousand year old clay tablet believed to be the earliest documented example of a lame excuse to miss work.
  • In a joint announcement, NASA and the ESA published earlier this week the discovery of a “planet killer” asteroid orbiting the sun in a highly eccentric orbit that has a 73% chance of collision with Earth in 2052.
  • A new parchment roll found near the Qumran Caves, containing a recipe for “sufeganiya”, moves the timeline of the donut nearly two millennia earlier than Captain Gregory Hanson’s 1847 “invention“ of the beloved pastry.
If you bought into any of these fake news, I have some beach front properties in Nebraska that might interest you.
Happy Friday!
Photo Credit: Open AI DALL·E  + JP González

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Donut Doodle Dandy

Dear Members and Constituents, In trying to figure-out Wednesday’s cool-looking Google Doodle ( Jorge Luis Borges’ 112 th birthday ), I stumbled across a list of Google Doodles you’ll never see. This, and a Rockies game later that day, were sufficient inspiration to get my head spinning around what other doodles Google might never noodle? I’m sure you’ll probably have a few ideas of your own, but I was able to come-up with a couple. How about a former Colorado Rockies player whose unfortunate encounter with a moth put him in the news this week? The Matt Holliday doodle might look something like this… Another item which, surprisingly enough, has not been made into a doodle are donuts. Although I was slightly taken aback to find this delicious pastry has not been featured, after the initial disappointment, I decided to take matters into my own hands and take a stab at one (perhaps Google can use it next year for national donut day )… or to celebrate Greek police having “ blown a ho...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Dozen Rules to Live By

Friends, When it comes to the big questions, there are far too many platitudes, truisms, cliches and BS. Bookshelves are lined with so much advice, you’d think we would have answered them all by now. So, why do people keep doing it? I couldn’t tell you. Whatever the reason, here’s one more exploration to add to the interminable list. I’ve left God out of this post, so these “rules” should come in handy whether you believe life has meaning, or you think purpose is just our prefrontal cortex’s way of sabotaging our limbic system. And, since donuts come in dozens, it felt fitting that my list just happens to have twelve rules.   Do it! (what are you waiting for?). Life sometimes feels like a dress rehearsal. So much time spent preparing for the future, there’s little time left to actually live life. Habit, routine and inertia have a way of filling the day. Try something new, who knows, you might enjoy it. Don’t overthink it. But, what to do? Give-in to a...
2 comments
Read more

Enchanted Donuts

Friends, Mix equal doses of isolation, adaptation, and time. Add a pinch of random stowaway life forms. Remove predators. The result? An eclectic collection of surprising plants and animals known as the Galápagos Islands. Here, iguanas swim and dive for food, the largest members of the sunflower family grow into 45 foot tall trees, and boulder-sized tortoises blow past the century mark with ease. Frigatebird throats of red, boobie feet of blue, moth-pollinated flowers of white. And, having been granted constitutional rights , sea lions own most park benches in town. Surrounded by an ocean teeming with fish of all shapes and sizes, the only downside of spending time in this remote Ecuadorian province appears to be the complete absence of donut shops. I suppose I too can adapt.  Happy Friday!
Post a Comment
Read more