Friday Donuts

  Friends, This morning I’ve been assailed by the big questions. Questions like if genius is truly one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, do hot and humid areas produce a disproportionate amount of geniuses? And, if the only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing, are lazy ignoramuses the wisest among us? Of course, the biggest question on a day like today would be: if a baker’s dozen has 13 donuts, can baking be described as spooky math at a distance? After all, if twelve equals thirteen, then quantum physics may make sense after all. Happy Friday! ​ Another big question: why should pot dispensaries monopolize this theme?

Friends, 2,768. If you’ve ever been to the Manitou Incline, you’ll recognize this as the number of steps you must climb to reach the top. With a 2,000’ elevation gain, it’s like taking the stairs to the Empire State Building‘s observation deck. Twice. Or, burning off a half-dozen donuts in one workout. You reach the top, spent, only to be taunted by a sign stating it’s 10 miles to Pikes Peak’s summit. Hard pass! Any way you look at it, climbing the incline is a fool’s errand. I guess you could say it puts the labor back in Labor Day. I’ll concede the view was nice and the accomplishment felt good, but my calves might beg to differ. I’ll have my half-dozen donuts now, thank you. Happy Friday!​

Friends, Have you ever kicked yourself for forgetting to do something, only to later realize what you actually forgot was the fact you did it? You know, “forgetting” to pack your charger at checkout, purchasing a replacement, then finding the “lost” charger in your backpack. Or, “forgetting” to brush your teeth, then having your moist toothbrush remind you the routine task was actually completed. Part of me worries this may be an early sign of senility. Part of me knows it’s nothing to worry about, just gremlins subtly sabotaging my day. Whatever the case may be, today threatens to be busy, so I best go grab a donut and review that ad copy … wait, did I already do that yesterday? Happy Friday!

Friends, A lunar eclipse sighting Is rather inviting, To see the moon’s face Shaded by our home base. But, as the hour came near, My goal, once so clear, Yielded to hesitation, And practical considerations. To stare at the heavens At 11:11, That feels rather late, I don’t think I will wait. And 93 percent Isn’t that big an event, Plus clouds might come out And make insomnia for naught. The blankets are warm, And sleep so refreshing. Not much hesitation In missing the occultation. You may or not tell, But I slept rather well. Regrets? Maybe small. But, I stand by my call. My consolation prize Was a donut of average size. So, that, my good friends, Is how this poem ends. Happy Friday! Since I couldn't take a photo of the eclipse, I got you this one instead. ​

Friends, Can universal truths hold in a multiverse? If anything that can happen will happen an infinite number of times, can there be a subset of multiversal truths that hold across every possible universe? I suppose the operating word is “possible”. If anything is impossible across the multiverse, then multiversal truths must exist. Truths such as 1+1=2 or the fact information never disappears, it only changes form or moves to another place, branch or dimension. And this, my friends, is where I bump my head on the wall at the deep end of the knowledge pool and must abandon this pursuit. So, I leave you with this thought: donuts probably don’t exist in every possible verse, so the next time you bite into one, take comfort knowing you are in a special place. Happy Friday!​ Could the multiverse be home to a society of giant guinea pigs?​

Friends, Whenever I’m in a new town, I seem to gravitate towards mildly fancy restaurants. You know, not so fancy you walk away hungry after an exquisitely decorated five course meal at a price that could have fed a family of seven. No Michelin stars or famous chefs here. Just fancy enough they feel the urge to play the bedroom voice bossa nova version of Brittany Spears’ Baby One More Time. The latest in a long string of similarly neutered pieces sharing the same Brazilian arrangement. You don’t know whether to lament the song’s desecration or lip sync the familiar lyrics. Fancy enough to serve beignets, bomboloni or buñuelos for dessert (donuts would be too pedestrian). Sure they have nice decorations and perhaps a good view, but is the gussied-up food with thematically amped names worth it? I suppose it depends on your tolerance for elevator music and whether you have an afternoon to kill with a good book. I hear Do Aliens Speak Physics is clever, funny and packed with donut referen...

Friends, They say work is so bad they have to pay you to do it. So, why do folks have such mixed feelings about retiring? Financial insecurity? Loss of purpose? Facing mortality? Stockholm syndrome? These were some of the questions racing through my head as I watched the septuagenarians of AC/DC perform last week. Brian Johnson looked like Danny DeVito. Angus was anything but Young. The rest of the band played in the background, looking equal parts muppets, orcs, and meltdown at Madame Tussaud’s wax museum. Needless to say, not the image you expect from a quintessentially rebellious band. Don’t get me wrong, the music and experience were great. Once you get past the initial impression and the formulaic nature of the gig, and start screaming out the familiar tunes, the 100 dB sound takes you for a ride down the highway to … well, you know. You temporarily trade your donut halo for some croissant horns. After all, what you get out of a concert is what you put in. Sure, the band shoulda, ...

Friends, Looking back on my trip to the Galápagos Islands, it occurred to me there are details you only notice when you’re there. Like, there are no donut shops, or, lava tubes can be huge. And so, it felt appropriate this morning to channel my inner David Letterman and share the Top 10 things I never realized about the Galápagos Islands: 10. The mountains get nippy and there are cattle ranches up there. 9. Growing up to 45’ tall, the scalesia trees in the rainforests are largest sunflower relatives 8. Another outsized plant are giant opuntia, tree-like cacti which tortoises like to feed on. 7. Scorpionfish are delicious (and have very few bones). Also, I prefer the Spanish name (pez brujo — wizard fish) 6. Sea lions (sea wolves in Spanish) own all park benches and sleep all day, oblivious to the constant paparazzi snapshots. 5. If you want to sound like a native, the really cool-looking red crabs with blue bellies are called Zayapas. 4. Tortoise and iguana limbs can look really ...

Friends, What makes something special? Distance is a criteria used with some frequency. What, with absence making the heart grow fonder and familiarity breeding contempt, it seems the further something is from your everyday experience, the more special it becomes. Rarity also plays a role. It helps if something is one in a million, or even better, one of a kind. Then there’s popular sentiment, after all, vox populi, vox Dei. And, while all these factors influence our perception, I propose to you that many special things are none of the above. That common and unpopular things near us are arguably more special than distant, rare and universally acclaimed novelties. A breath of fresh morning air filling our lungs. The glow on a loved one’s face as they smile at us. The smell of freshly brewed coffee as we bite into that weekly donut. Maybe it’s all of the above. Maybe, as they say, variety is the spice of life. Happy Friday! Two pelicans, a sea lion and an iguana gathered for a special oc...

Friends, Mix equal doses of isolation, adaptation, and time. Add a pinch of random stowaway life forms. Remove predators. The result? An eclectic collection of surprising plants and animals known as the Galápagos Islands. Here, iguanas swim and dive for food, the largest members of the sunflower family grow into 45 foot tall trees, and boulder-sized tortoises blow past the century mark with ease. Frigatebird throats of red, boobie feet of blue, moth-pollinated flowers of white. And, having been granted constitutional rights , sea lions own most park benches in town. Surrounded by an ocean teeming with fish of all shapes and sizes, the only downside of spending time in this remote Ecuadorian province appears to be the complete absence of donut shops. I suppose I too can adapt.  Happy Friday!

Friends, They say bugs are the protein of the future. Compared to cows and chickens, crickets require a fraction of the environmental footprint and are a more nutritious alternative. And, once you get past the ick factor, they’re not that bad (not that great, either). I had the chance to try three varieties of dried crickets this week: regular, lime, and spicy. They arrived courtesy of Gustavo Morejón, an entomologist friend and fellow madman. I snacked on a couple, mixed them with dinner, and even tried one on a homemade donut. The verdict: if you’re gonna put dried crickets in my food, grind them up and don’t tell me they’re there. I can do without seeing them, or picking the legs out from between my teeth. Happy Friday!

Friends, On this, the eve of the 20.83 dozenth anniversary of the declaration of independence, I felt compelled to overpay for a red, white, and (mostly) blue alien Voodoo Doughnut. After all, what’s more American than conspicuous consumerism? This break from the toil treadmill, is an opportunity to ponder why the founding fathers chose to go to war. While we all know it was “taxation without representation”, it was not about onerous taxes (the 1-2% effective tax rate is laughable by today’s standards). It was the arbitrary way they were imposed. I raise my carb-loaded 640 calorie monstrosity to this quarter of a millennium experiment in government, in hopes its citizens (not subjects) will continue the long tradition of holding their elected officials accountable. Because, as Robin Williams once said, “politicians are a lot like diapers, they should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.” Happy Friday! Sneaking in a photo at DIA's illuminati terminal.

Friends, Ecuador has a reputation for being a country where nothing works but everything works out. I suppose the same can be said for the predictions regarding the national soccer team’s performance in Group E of the World Cup. The sages, oracles, and bookies had them advancing to the round of 32 by beating Curaçao, tying with Ivory Coast and losing to Germany. Instead, they tied with Curaçao, lost to Ivory Coast and beat Germany. It worked out! Go figure. It’s like expecting a cream filled donut and biting into a Boston cream. Stressful but satisfying. Happy Friday!​ Photo credit: Mario Pons

Friends, If you’re following the Would Cup, you’ve probably asked yourself: what’s with the hydration break? And, who was the millennial (or perhaps zoomer) that came up with this bright idea? I mean, in my day, the field was slanted uphill, both ways, players never drank liquids, and they liked it just fine  . I think the pitch must have gone something like this: “OK, boomer, this may sound out of pocket, but we should lowkenuenly glow up the game. Let’s bffr, we don’t want players to crash out or have a menty b, so let’s give them a brain break to hydrate.” Speaking of which, Ryan Milkowski, one of my Gen Z language instructors, was kind enough to make the trek out to The Donut Palace in Clinton, Missouri and grab some of their spectacular apple fritters (and some donuts, of course). Bussin’. Happy Friday!

Friends, When my colleague Amy Fisher told me about Landline Doughnuts in Longmont, I knew I had to make the trek. I mean, donuts and telecom nostalgia combined …what’s not to like? Functional rotary phones you can use to call your mom (or your boss) also serve as the shop’s main line. Patrons acting as unpaid customer service reps can pick up the phone and answer callers’ questions (you get what you pay for). The call I witnessed went surprisingly well. And, they use mashed potatoes in their dough, which gives the rotary dial-inspired donuts a nice texture. The only disappointment, if you can call it that, was the absence of a telecom connection (the owners were just looking for a nostalgic theme). It took a year, but I’m glad calendars finally aligned. Needless to say the conversation was delightful. Happy Friday!

Friends, Social media is littered with curated portfolios of our best moments. Only photos with perfect smiles, open eyes and our best angles will do. The rest are discarded. As you get older, finding that perfect perspective gets harder, so the ratio of posted to discarded images creeps ever lower. A couple of weeks ago, while at National Harbor, MD, Kelsie Davis (an amazing colleague and human being) managed to capture one such unicorn photo of me as we were standing in front of the landmark Captain Wheel. I think you’ll agree it's quite flattering. I leave you with that image as I head out the front door to celebrate national donut day with another amazing colleague at Landline Doughnuts in Longmont. Happy National Donut (Fri)Day!                                                                 ↑ yours truly ↑

Friends, Call me crazy, but I enjoy painting mental pictures with unusual metaphors and analogies (and the occasional bad pun). Why settle for describing a book as a great read, when you can say it gave shirtless sax solo vibes? Instead of saying a friend is stubborn, one might describe them as having the threshold for pain and bad decisions of a facial tattoo bearer. Of course, like watering a cactus, you need to exercise restraint, lest you lose your audience. Like the restraint I’m showing right now by limiting my donut consumption to one. What fun metaphors have you used lately? Happy Friday! Putting this picture here makes as much sense as marble urinal dividers ​

Friends, Ever find yourself, soapy hands outstretched under the sink, cursing the plumbing gods for the broken sensor, only to realize you’re at a manual faucet? The mix-and-match array of touch less and traditional gadgets at public restrooms can get confusing. Flush, soap, wash, dry, air dry, sanitize, and exit; all with inconsistently implemented automation. Ripping and replacing all gadgets at once would be a costly endeavor, but prioritization shouldn’t be left to chance. A “gross/last touch” matrix, where the levers most likely to be germ-infested (gross) and the reverse order in which they touch our skin (last touch) are given a higher electrification priority seems like a reasonable approach to me. By the way, when did we decide mixing water and electricity was OK? Anyway, so long as you wash your hands before you go get donuts, I suppose the gadget gauntlet is a minor inconvenience. Happy Friday!

Friends, Cordyceps, a fungus that turns ants into zombies is scary stuff! So much so, it inspired the dystopian plot for the video game, and later HBO series, The Last of Us. So why would the makers of Ryze, a mushroom “coffee” be bombarding me with ads, feature this ingredient? Perhaps the fungus-controlled minions have become so sophisticated they are using a marketing campaign to take over the world. Perhaps. It's supposed to boost stamina, which would explain why the zombies never seem to stop coming. At least donuts don’t yet feature that ingredient, or we’d be doomed. Happy Friday!​

Friends, As a kid, TV was a convenient way to explore the world beyond my backyard. Exotic animals in far flung jungles and cowboys in untamed lands kindled my malleable imagination. Growing up I realized many of the plot devices in use at the time made rare events appear common. It turns out my fear of encountering quicksand on hikes was unwarranted, as were my worries of getting amnesia from bumping my head, or being knocked out by a karate chop. Most criminals don’t confess, cars going off cliffs don’t tend to explode, and estranged twins rarely show up out of nowhere to fill your shoes. And, fortunately, one doesn’t need to become a cop to consume donuts on the regular. As for auditory and visual hallucinations, I’m still waiting. Happy Friday! The Plot Tthickens ...